On Being a Decent Ally

“The job of a good ally is not to save anybody but rather to help create the conditions under which people can assert and grow their own power.”

– Rinku Sen, President and Executive Director of The Applied Research Center

Recently, I’ve seen an outpouring of support from white activists and allies, enraged and energized by the (predictable) Zimmerman verdict. I’ve also seen people of color demonstrate and articulate exhaustion in having to explain to white activists and allies that their more “radical” protests (whether through vandalism, destruction of property, etc., all in the name of justice) are being seen as violent rioting, and are, both implicitly and explicitly, being blamed on black bodies.

(Of course, I’m not addressing the equal if not greater outpouring of white people feeling offended that people keep bringing the issue of race to the forefront—I don’t even know what I’d say to them without blubbering what on earth do you know about racism and what measures do you use to distinguish whether something racist is happening, when you have the privilege to be blind to such matters or of course you think race has nothing to do with it…you benefit from racism every single day and with every single breath. But that’s clearly for another day, when I’m feeling nicer and stronger and more loving.)

Good intentions are fine, but they are not enough, and sometimes they do more damage than anything else. There are many great tips out there on how to be a good ally, but I wanted to add some that are very personal. These are the things I have said to close friends and colleagues, and these are the things I am still working on myself. Being an ally is about being constantly intentional, thoughtful, and supportive of systemically marginalized communities that are ENTIRELY capable of growing their own power. And a LOT of it is about listening–listening to Others; listening to one’s own desires and assessing where the need to speak and act comes from; listening to and ignoring one’s ego; etc.

I think the Manarchist Meme is hilarious because this is exactly what a lot of ‘educated’ allies do.

So here it is:

DO listen, and try to learn as much as possible about those you want to support without expecting Other communities to teach you at your pleasure or leisure. Get books. Read things on the internet. Read the websites or materials of really amazing grassroots organizations.
DO NOT constantly try to prove exactly how much you know about a community that isn’t your own, their history, their oppression…it helps that you have the knowledge; it doesn’t help anyone but your ego when you to show it off. Keep that mess to yourself.

DO support and nourish your relationships with community members.
DO NOT use a relationship you have with a member of the community you are supporting to demonstrate how “down” you are. It’s actually really embarrassing to watch, so stahp.

DO participate in actions and protests organized by leaders of the community you are supporting. Ask how you can help, let them know your skill set, and be gracious about any role you are given. If you are disappointed about the type of task you receive because you are so far above it, get over it. You’re not there to lead-you are there to support.
DO NOT tell community leaders how they should be organizing – you may think have lots of knowledge that community leaders don’t have, but trust that they know their shit. You are not the last samurai, or that white dude in Avatar.

DO speak up on things that actually add to the dialogue. If you assess that your knowledge is something that would truly contribute (and it has nothing to do with proving your worth or how dope you are or being the one to save the noble savages), then be strategic about how you share the information. Maybe you can take one of the leaders aside and say you might have some information that would be useful for them to investigate, and that you are there to help in any way.
DO NOT use a tone that suggests you know more than anyone else in the room, because you don’t. Your privilege is whispering sweet nothings into your ear, making you believe you are superior. You aren’t.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

DO stay you. You are a valuable member of a movement.
DO NOT change the way you talk, dress, act, based on essentialized mimesis. It’s often insulting and inappropriate, and it does nothing to make you more legitimate.

DO experience outrage when fucked up things happen to marginalized communities.
DO NOT act out of rage without thinking about how your actions will impact the community you are trying to support.

DO share your love and compassion.
DO NOT try to maximize your own experiences of oppression to feel ‘equal,’ in this extremely odd way. I call that: intersectionality gone wrong.

DO show up when you are needed.
DO NOT just talk the talk. We have enough talkers in the world.

DO acknowledge your privilege and power.
DO NOT make Other community members hold your hand while you work through your guilt. Audre Lorde says, “Guilt is not a response to anger; it is a response to one’s own actions or lack of action. If it leads to change then it can be useful, since it is then no longer guilt but the beginning of knowledge. Yet all too often, guilt is just another name for impotence, for defensiveness destructive of communication; it becomes a device to protect ignorance and the continuation of things the way they are, the ultimate protection for changelessness.”

DO approach communities with an open mind about who you are in the world.
DO NOT become vocally defensive when someone calls you out on your shit. Even if it doesn’t feel like it, calling someone out is an act of love.

DO step up and check members of your community when people are being fucked up. Do so with as much patience and care as you can, since it is much more difficult for marginalized groups to demonstrate patience and care when addressing fuckedupness directed at them and their community. Changing a culture of hatred is hard, but your holding people accountable will help.
DO NOT stop trying!

Now, if you think it’s difficult being a decent ally, then good. You’re right. It is hard to constantly check our tone, our attitude, our ego, our movement, how often we speak, why we do what we do and say what we say. We always have to be on our toes and move with the constantly shifting boundaries of identity politics. But we do this because we believe in utilizing our privileges and powers towards something better. We do this because we can and we should. Most importantly, we do this because we love.

So let’s keep at it!